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Nun Drivers

Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -why are you going so slow?"
Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."
Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!
Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful.
At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.
Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible.
Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 119.

 

God Providers

A rich girl and a poor boy fall in love and decide to marry.

The girl's father is strongly against such a decision, but after a long argument, the daughter finally gets her way. The father agrees that the two can marry, but he insists on meeting the man before the date is set. His daughter agrees and invites her fiancé over for dinner.

Dinner goes well. Then, afterwards, the father invites his future on-in-law into the study. The father asks him what he does for a living, to which the boy replies, "I am a religious man; I study the Testaments."

The father then asks, "How are you going to support my daughter's high living standard."

The boy replies, "I will study, and God will provide."

The father, now losing his patience asks, "How will you afford a nice place to live?"

The boy again replies, "I will study, and God will provide."

For over an hour, the questioning continued and the same answers were heard, "I will study, and God will provide."

The interrogation finally ends. The happy couple expresses their thanks for the lovely meal, and then leave.

Later in the evening, the wife asks her husband how his discussion with their daughter's boyfriend went.

The father replies, "Well, there's good news and bad news. The bad news is that the boy has no job, no money, and no chance of ever providing for our daughter."

The mother then says, "Certainly there must be some good news!"

 

The Catholic Glossary 

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

 

 BULLETIN: 

1. Parish information read only during the homily.

2. Catholic air conditioning.

3. Your receipt for attending Mass.

 

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the  Congregation to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges  with  good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower. 

 

MANGER:

1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO.

2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

 

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass,  consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners  looking  for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass  led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they  actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not  given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew. 

 

Last Rites

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.

Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how
little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order.

Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought
to aggravate anybody."

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