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Humor from a Man's Perspective

The Men's Guide To What A Woman Really Wants When She Says...

We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
I'm not upset = Of course I am upset you moron!
You're so...manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient I want a new house.
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.
Hang the picture there = NO I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I am beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead.
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to cook, so you'd better get used to it.
I'm not yelling = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

 

A Really Accurate Man-Woman Translation Guide

"I'm going fishing."
Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means....
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means....
"Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means...
"I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means....
"The batteries in the remote are dead."

"We're going to be late."
Really means....
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means....
"I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means....
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means....
"Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means....
"I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
Really means....
"You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."
Really means....
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work."
Really means....
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?"
Really means....
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means....
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means....
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means....
"I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
Really means....
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means....
"I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means....
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means....
"What did you catch me doing?"

"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means....
"She refused to make my coffee."

"I heard you."
Really means....
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means....
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means....
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."
Really means....
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
Really means....
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means....
"I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means....
"I make the messes, you clean them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means....
"You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means....
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means....
"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I broke up with her."
Really means....
"She dumped me."

 

See How Women Are!

Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes....
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better.
The woman said, That would be okay, and for her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world...
The frog warned her, You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that woman will flock to him....
The woman replied, That will be okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me.... So, poof she's the most beautiful woman in the world.
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you....
The woman said, That will be okay, because what is mine is his, and what is his is mine.... So, poof she's the richest woman in the world.
The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack.

 

Politically Correct Usage When Talking About/To Females

She does not: GET PMS---She becomes: HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL
She does not have: A KILLER BODY---She is: TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE
She is not: A BAD COOK---She is: MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE
She is not: A BAD DRIVER---She is: AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED
She is not a: PERFECT 10---She is: NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR
She is not: EASY---She is: HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
She does not: HATE SPORTS ON TV---She is: ATHLETICALLY BIASED
She does not have: SEXY LIPS---She is: COLLAGEN DEPENDENT
She does not get: DRUNK---She is: ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED
You do not ask her: TO DANCE---You request a: PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE
She is not: A GOSSIP---She is a: VERBAL TERMINATOR
She does not: WORK OUT TOO MUCH---She is an: ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER
She does not have: A GREAT BUTT---She is: GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS
She is not: HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS---She is: MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED
She is not: COLD OR FRIGID---She is: THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE
She does not: WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP---She is: COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED
She does not have: GREAT CLEAVAGE (A GREAT RACK)---Her breasts are: CENTRALLY LOCATED
She will never: GAIN WEIGHT---She will become: A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER
She is not: A SCREAMER OR MOANER---She is: VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE
She does not: SHAVE HER LEGS---She experiences: TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION
She does not have: A HARD BODY---She is: ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE
She does not: SUN BATHE---She experiences: SOLAR ENHANCEMENT
Her breast will never: SAG---They will: LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD
She does not: SHOP TOO MUCH---She is: OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS
She does not: CUT YOU OFF---She becomes: HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE
She does not have: BIG HAIR---She is: OVERLY AEROSOLED
She does not: SNORE---She is: NASALLY REPETITIVE
She does not: GET DRUNK---She becomes: VERBALLY DYSLEXIC
She does not have: BIG HOOTERS---Her: CUPS RUNNETH OVER
She is not: TOO SKINNY---She is: SKELETALLY PROMINENT

 

Men's Perspective

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the oven!
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months -I don't like to interrupt her
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%-- wedding cake.

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