Humor About Marriage

  

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Real Mothers

Real Mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it.
Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.
Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.
Real Mothers know that dried playdough doesn't come out of shag carpet.
Real Mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.
Real Mothers sometimes ask "why me?" and get their answer when a little voice says, "because I love you best.”
Real Mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade. It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mother.

 

Bitter Men Say the Cutest Things

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was nearly impossible.

A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ... then ... pow! ... it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "Awww, my wife found out."

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

 

How To Obtain Golfing Permission

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:

First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the
kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a nudge and say, 'Golf course or intercourse?' and she says, 'Wear your sweater.'"

 

Dirty Words

A young couple got married and went on a cruise for their honeymoon. When they got back from the honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away.

"Well, darling," said her mom, "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, Mother," she replied, "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic; we had a terrific time! But, Mother, as soon as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language. Stuff I'd never heard before. Really terrible four-letter words. You've got to come get me and take me home. Please Mother!" And the new bride began to sob over the telephone.

"But honey," the mother countered, "what four-letter words?"
"I can't tell you, Mother," said the daughter, "They're too awful! Come get me, please!!!"

"Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell mother the four-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother, words like dust, wash, iron, cook!!!"

 

Love, Lust & Marriage

Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath

Love: A romantic candlelight dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage:4 Happy Meals . . . to go

Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping candy off of the carpet

Love: A night out at the Symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice

Love: Aroma -French perfume
Lust: Aroma -Brut aftershave
Marriage: Aroma -"The baby needs changing. . ."

Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."
Marriage: Your teenager just took your jacket

Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .

Love: Finding the "Fell in Love on AOL" chat-room
Lust: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" chat-room
Marriage: Finding the "Married and Looking" chat-room

Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the back-seat

Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: Sex ???

 

God Provides

A rich girl and a poor boy fall in love and decide to marry.

The girl's father is strongly against such a decision, but after a long argument, the daughter finally gets her way. The father agrees that the two can marry, but he insists on meeting the man before the date is set. His daughter agrees and invites her fiancé over for dinner.

Dinner goes well. Then, afterwards, the father invites his future on-in-law into the study. The father asks him what he does for a living, to which the boy replies, "I am a religious man; I study the Testaments."

The father then asks, "How are you going to support my daughter's high living standard."

The boy replies, "I will study, and God will provide."

The father, now losing his patience asks, "How will you afford a nice place to live?"

The boy again replies, "I will study, and God will provide."

For over an hour, the questioning continued and the same answers were heard, "I will study, and God will provide."

The interrogation finally ends. The happy couple expresses their thanks for the lovely meal, and then leave.

Later in the evening, the wife asks her husband how his discussion with their daughter's boyfriend went.

The father replies, "Well, there's good news and bad news. The bad news is that the boy has no job, no money, and no chance of ever providing for our daughter."

The mother then says, "Certainly there must be some good news!"

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