Humor About Children Is Precious


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Children's Diet To Lose Weight

Over the years you may have noticed that most 2 year olds
are trim. It came to me one day over a cup of grapefruit
juice and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason.

After consultation with pediatricians, x-ray technicians,
and distraught mothers, I was able to formulate this new
diet. It is inexpensive and offers great variety and
sufficient quantity. ENJOY!!

Day 1:

Breakfast- One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape
jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg using your fingers; dump the rest
on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly
over your face and clothes.

Lunch- Four crayons (any color) a handful of potato chips,
and a glass of milk- 3 sips, then spill the rest.

Dinner- A dry stick, 2 pennies, 4 sips of flat diet pop.

Bedtime snack- Toast a piece of bread, butter it, and toss
it face down on the floor.

Day 2:

Breakfast- Pick up stale toast from the floor and eat it.
Drink 1/2 bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable

Lunch- Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and one ice cube,
if desired.

Afternoon snack- Lick an all day sucker until sticky, take it
outside and drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until
clean again, then bring inside and drop on living room carpet.

Dinner- A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up
your left nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes, eat with

Day 3:

Breakfast- 2 pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers,
rub fingers in hair to clean. Glass of milk, drink half, stuff
excess pancakes in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays
sucker from carpet, lick off fuzz until sticky again, then leave
on cushion of your best chair.

Lunch- Peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several well-chewed
bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk onto table, then slurp

Dinner- Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, 1 sip of cold

Final Day:

Breakfast- 1/4 tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bite of soap,
one olive. Pour glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add 1/2
cup of sugar. Wait until cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed
cereal to dog with your spoon.

Lunch- Eat crumbs off the kitchen floor and dining room carpet.
Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner- A plate of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball
on plate. Handful of cheese snacks, eat 2 and place the rest in
bowling ball holes or any other convenient hiding place.

Message From Boy Scout Camp

Dear Mom,

Scoutmaster Webb told us to write our parents in case you heard
about the flood and got worried. We're all okay. Only one of
our tents and two of our sleeping bags got washed away. Nobody
drowned because we were all on the mountain looking for Chad
when it happened. Oh yeah, please call Chad's mother and tell
her he's okay. He can't write her because of the cast on his

I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps! It was neat!
We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for
all the lightning.

Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without
telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the
fire, so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow
up? It was so cool! The wet wood still wouldn't burn, but one of
our tents did, and some of our clothes. Boy, Johnny is going to
look weird until his hair grows back!

We'll be home Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed.
It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked good when
we left. But he said with a car that old you have to expect
something to break down. That's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and
if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets
pretty hot with 15 people in the car. He let us take turns riding
in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and yelled at

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming
out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't
swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he
let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still
see some of the trees under the water from the flood. And Scoutmaster
Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad
about us leaving the life jackets behind. He has to spend a lot of
time working on the car, so we're trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in
the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also,
Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the left over chicken. He said they got sick like
that with the food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and
became our scoutmaster. He said he figured out how to do things
better while he was doing time.

I have to go now. We are going in to town to mail this and buy some
bullets and more gasoline. Don't worry about anything. We are doing
just fine.

Your son

When You Were A Child

Close your eyes.....And go back....

Before the Internet or the MAC, 

Before semi automatics and crack.

Before chronic and indolence.

Before SEGA or Super Nintendo


Way back........


I'm talkin' bout hide and go seek at dusk.

Sittin' on the porch.

Hot bread and butter.

The Good Humor man.

Red light, Green light.

Chocolate milk.

Lunch tickets.

Penny candy in a brown paper bag.

Playin' Pinball in the corner store.

Hopscotch, butterscotch, doubledutch.

Jacks, kickball, dodgeball, y'all!

Mother May I?

Red Rover and Roly Poly.

Hula Hoops and Sunflower Seeds.

Jolly Ranchers, Banana Splits.

Wax Lips and Mustaches.

Running through the sprinkler.

The smell of the sun and lickin' salty lips.


Watchin' Saturday Morning cartoons, Fat Albert, Road Runner,

He-Man, The Three Stooges, and Bugs.

Or back further, listening to Superman on the radio.

Catchin' lightening bugs in a jar.

Playin' sling shot.

When around the corner seemed far away,

And going downtown seemed like going somewhere.

Bedtime, Climbing trees.

An ice cream cone on a warm summer night.

Chocolate or vanilla or strawberry or maybe butter pecan.

A lemon coke from the fountain at the corner drug store.

A million mosquito bites and sticky fingers.

Cops and Robbers, Cowboys and Indians.

Sittin on the curb.

Jumpin down the steps.

Jumpin on the bed.

Pillow fights.

Runnin till you were out of breath.

Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt.

Being tired from playin'.... Remember that?

I ain't finished just yet...

Eating Kool-aid powder with sugar.

Remember when.... there were two types of sneakers for girls and boys Keds & PF

(Flyers) and the only time you wore them at school, was for "gym."

... it took five minutes for the TV to warm up, if you even had one.

... nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there.

... nobody owned a purebred dog.

... a quarter was a decent allowance, and another quarter a miracle.

... milk went up one cent and everyone talked about it for weeks?

... you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.

... girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then.

... your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.

... all of your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done, everyday.

... you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, "for free", every time. And, you didn't pay for air.


you got  trading stamps to boot! AND all for 26 cents per GALLON!!!

... laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box.

... any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.

... it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents.

... they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed ... and did!... being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home.

Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't because of drive by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. 

Our parents and grand parents were a much bigger threat!, and some of us are still afraid of em!!!


Didn't that feel good.. just to go back and say, "Yeah, I

remember that!"


There's nothing like the good old days! They were good then, and

they're good now when we think about them.


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